Ghyll:Aliens Everywhere

First draft only. *&*&*!!! and ::::)()!

Establishment

Aliens Everywhere! magazine was established in -55 EC by Bobby Shwarmph in what he as been quoted as an effort to "misinform the aliens and inform the people". However, no distinction has been made about what is misformation and what is useful information. This is not a problem with the magazine's readers, as they believe that the true content of the magazine can only be understood by someone of the Ghyllian race and who has been subscriber for five years.

Publication

Aliens Everywhere! is a widely read publication. It enjoys a readership of 100,000 subscribers and 300,000 "bloodly leeches" who read it on the newstand. It is published weekly, on shepskin paper, in tabloid format. All copies are delivered personally by a short, balding, funny looking, limping man named Gippie who has been the magazine's only distributor since its establishment.

History

Aliens Everywhere has played a vital role in exposing aliens and alien activity. In its first issue, subtitled "Don't read this.", it made journalism history by naming the homeworld of all aliens, namely the hollow center of Ghyll named Down There. In another groundbreaking story, Aliens Everywhere! forced the Paramount Queen of -7 to step down after showing conclusive proof in photographic format that she was from Down There.

Famous Personalites

Many famous personalites have once worked at Aliens Everwhere!, most notably its founder and editor, Bobby Shwarmph, who hasn't been seen since -4 EC. Another famous personality is the Daydream Believer, who is the double-headed star reporter for Aliens Everywhere!, known for talking in third person and sometimes reponding to his own questions. Yet another is his second head, known as Head Deux, who owns his own small publication about juggling small animals, called appropriately enough, Juggling Small Animals.

Notes

Egron

The creation, ownership, or exchange of scholarly or other documents pertaining to the village of Egron which are not approved by the relevant authorities is considered a direct threat to public health, and persons taking part in such activities are subject to the appropriate legal and private prosecution. There are currently 47 cases of "private enforcement action" relevant to Egronalia on file at CEH/BOFK.

The following fragment, originally published in Aliens Everywhere magazine, was the basis for the popular musical pantomime "Love and Madness"; for this reason, it can be considered "Prior Release" with respect to CEH recommendations.

How's this for a pull at your heart strings, readers. If you think you've had it rough at the hands of the conspiracy with them stealing your mail and convincing those kids to egg your house, etc., get a load of this -- you ain't seen nothing. This reporter was present last week at the Folktown Council Hall and watched the following story unravel.

The backdrop: He's from someplace called Egron, and he's gone-daddy-gone; something is wrong with him but nobody can remember what and the man isn't gonna remind us. Probably he's in on the Aliens or something. All we tools need to know is that we should go ahead and forget him, and they sure make it easy, don't they? During the trial they don't mention his name, and the professional Daydream Believer on the scene has to keep reminding all of us (gently) that he's what we're here to talk about (your crusading reporter kept notes, which he had to agree to turn back over to the man after the issue went out, and which will doubtless get his name on whatever list the man keeps in his basement; I'm taking the bullet for you, reader).

She's on the stand, looking like death warmed over, while this legal tool for the Alien conspiracy talks about how she refuses to forget him. At first, she's silent, crying quietly, but soon she starts piping up. She says she can't forget him, he was her shining knight, she might as well just forget herself. Then, right there in front of all of these tools she starts to talk about him, about the way he talked, about the songs he would sing to himself at work, about his clothing and his bad jokes, and the tools just go nuts; a bailiff chemically silences her, there is a buzz about courtroom contagion, and this reporter starts to get some recalls about this Egron place (unfortunately, all I managed to get into my notes is that Folktown could clobber their ball club) and then the tools start back up harping about She's a threat to public good, and isn't this a perfect example of why she can't be allowed to walk the streets. I tell you, the aliens sure do have us in their pocket.

So at the end of it, they give her the sentence -- play along or they'll send her away. She nods her head, and they null the chemicals, and then when she can speak she shouts "Send me away! Send me to him!" and starts crying. Now the Daydream Believer softly walks over to the stand, and says "But dear, you'll die, you know." And damn if she doesn't just nod her head again. And then they lead all of us in the gallery out, and we wait while the goons interview each one of us, individually, for contamination and inform us of our obligations as witnesses.

I'll tell you, they sure do have us in their pocket.

Bobby Shwarmph

Bobby "Robert" Shwarmph putatively edits "Aliens Everywhere" magazine, but hasn't been seen or heard from by credible sources since -4/7/22 EC, after he apparently went into seclusion for reasons known only to him at the time of writing. Research reveals all of Shwarmph's known personal and business matters have been handled by associate and confidante "Easy" Lizzard after that date. Folktown Records #519 reported he may--or may not--have been the victim of a freak ball lightning accident, suffering searing burns across his throat which left him scarred and speechless. The article also hints he may have been the victim of foul play. However, our interviews with former associates indicate Shwarmph was mostly driven into plain old alcohol addiction after a vaguely documented incident during his factfinding trip to the Alezan ruins near his home.

Bobby Shwarmph (People)

• Bobby "Robert" Shwarmph edits Aliens Everywhere, but hasn't been seen since -4/7/22 EC.
• Since his disappearance, his matters and affairs have been handled by "Easy" Lizzard.
• Folktown Records #519 reported he may have been the victim of nature or foul play.
• Interviews indicate he was driven into alcohol addiction after a trip to the Alezan ruins.
• Shwarmph is a member of the Brothers of the Lantern and wrote a white paper in -14 EC.
• In this paper, published in the organization's journal, he rejected AuroAnthropology as heresy.
• Shwarmph is said to be a platoon leader in the Tarkherk Corps of the Conflict That Is Not Happening.
• Edward, Bobby's adoptive brother, is rumored to be his son by either Izadora Gutschtup or an Alezanian.
• Though missing, he is scheduled to produce "Aliens, Anywhere" with the Academy of Conspiracy Theologiests.
• Planned for 0 EC, drafts are highly sought, and forgeries have sold for 4,900 Quezloos.

Zed Varren

There are also numerous rumors about Varren which have not yet been proven true or false. It has been suggested that he is of, at least, partial Pyxie heritage and has one blue eye and one green eye as a result. He has been linked to several very popular gruff fiction periodicals of varying circulation. More than one less-than-reputable source has suggested Varren is the anonymous author of a regular column in Aliens Everywhere.

Captain Riquiras

As a student of the Unbeliveable and Paranormal and a historian, I am aghast at your lack of knowledge! The figures depicted on the engraving are clearly ancient Ghyllians. Or the people of another world, possibly much like are own. Possibly. Or... Well, all I know is my research turned up images similar to the ones on the Idol, somewhere. You have read the facts you have wrong, my friend, and you lack many others I have access to. Somewhere.--Darus Ixa 09:03, 20 Sep 2004 (EDT)

Hideous. Horrible. It is a great burden we scholars must bear to be exposed to such images. My hat is off to you, Talliesin, for braving such terrors for science.--Joe Bowers 16:44, 23 Sep 2004 (EDT)

Darus, I beleive the images which you recall were the centerfold of Bobby Shwarmph's Aliens Everywhere last year in the "Year in Review" issue. --Dr. H. L. Ackroyd 17:41, 13 Dec 2004 (EST)

Paramount Queen

In -7 EC, Torvinquanai Metatron became the first Xuriental winner, but was forced to relinquish her title when Aliens Everywhere magazine published pictures of her covered in a brown fluid that were taken before her crowning; finalist Phennella was crowned Paramount Queen for that year instead.

Systematic Epistemological Action

As of roughly -14 EC, the term "ultimatum" has been replaced with the longer and less friendly "Systematic Epistemological Action". The reasoning, though unwarranted and heretical, concerns dilution of the original term's power, and is retold in an issue of Aliens Everywhere. Regarding the disappearance of Altifur Witherspoon, the "hobosopher of the East":

   MISTAH: So, he comes up to me, and says "Where's Altifur?"
   MISTAH: And I says, I say, "Wha'choo want with Altifur?"
   MISTAH: That there Altifur, he's not right upstairs!
   Missus: And then he said he had to show him something.
   MISTAH: He had to show him something, that's right.
   Missus: Tell 'em what you told him, honey.
   MISTAH: Lemme tell ya what I told him.
   MISTAH: I told him, "Altie's Mate Ate 'Em!"
   Missus: Altie's Mate Ate 'Em!
   MISTAH: Altie's Mate Ate 'Em! Ate 'em on Tuesday, she did.
   Missus: He hadn't taken out the garb...
   MISTAH: Woman! This is my story! Who's tellin' the story?
   Missus: You're telling the story.
   MISTAH: I'm telling the story. Thas' right. It's my story!
   MISTAH: See, that there Altifur hadn't taken out the garbage.
   MISTAH: And she ate 'em!
   Missus: Tell 'em who that guy was.
   MISTAH: Dammit, woman, I'm getting there!
   MISTAH: Lemme tell ya who that guy was. That guy...
   Missus: Was someone big important.
   MISTAH: Apparently, he was someone big important.
   MISTAH: Starts telling everyone 'Altie's Mate Ate 'Em!'
   Missus: Altie's Mate Ate 'Em!
   MISTAH: Altie's Mate Ate 'Em!
   MISTAH: Next thing I know, everyone's saying it.
   Missus: Everyone!
   MISTAH: Treefiddy?
   Missue: Treefiddy!