Death and sleaze guidelines

Herein, we describe our particular approach to ratings and indexing.

How we rate films

We use a 4-star rating system, where each star is a positive response to these questions:

Was there an emotional or memorable moment?

Did we physically cry, smile, or laugh aloud? Did the soundtrack hit just the right notes, creating a more impressive and emotive scene? Did something happen that we talked about afterward, or became synonymous with the movie in our memory, or were we just jaded for most of the proceedings?

Were we enthralled for a respectable period of time?

This doesn’t necessarily have to be intellectual attachment: an action movie that doesn’t let up, well-done suspense, or even visual beauty could keep one’s eyes glued to the screen. Hell, some incredibly bad movies keep us enthralled by sheer ineptitude. Our stars can never be unearned: if we’re enthralled for the first half, but the remainder is a letdown, the film has still done enough to earn this criterion.

Would we gladly watch this movie again?

In most cases, our exploration of a film requires us to watch it multiple times. This star determines if we would happily and willingly watch it yet again, when measured against limited time and an infinite number of movies still unseen. This question only applies to watching it alone: we don’t consider sitting down with a friend who hasn’t seen it, or catching it on TV because “there’s nothing better on”, adequate justification.

Would we “stake our reputation” on a recommendation?

Would we suggest this film to anyone, be they a trusted or well-loved film critic, our most cynical acquaintance, or anyone else we’d hate to waste the ever-lessening free time of? This star is one of the toughest for us to give: we consider a movie with this star a “must-see”, regardless of your existing likes or dislikes.

For example, Morbus is a huge fan of monster movies. In a personal rating system, he’d probably give most non-American Godzilla movies 3 or 4 stars, then Buddy Christ to the Godzilla figure that’s been sitting near his TV since 1987. Based on the above criteria however, most would fall to 1 or 2 stars (memorable moment and/or would watch again), Cloverfield would make 3, but only The Host would earn a complete 4 stars.

Death and sleaze by indexing

Every time a movie character dies or does something sleazy (explicitly or otherwise), we categorize it into a “death by” or “sleaze by”. As part of this obsessiveness, we’ve developed some guidelines which help drive the categorization:

• Deaths are finite, sleaze is not: once someone is dead, that’s it... we shouldn’t see ‘em moving around again. If they’re resurrected, become undead, or turn into an evil beastie and wander around a bit more, the death wasn’t “final” and isn’t counted or categorized. Contrarily, sleaze can happen as often as necessary: if someone takes five different showers, that’s five specific sleazes.

• Be specific but not too specific (death): Very narrow categories like “Death by 5-inch knife”, “Death by hunting knife” or “Death by toothed knife” aren’t entirely useful – those should all be classified as simply “Death by knife”. Exceptions include differently named items (”Death by switchblade” and “Death by machete”), or of unique interest (”Death by butter knife” might be OK, but it’ll probably only ever be used once). “Death by werewolf” is also OK (as are “vampire”, “midget”, “chupacabra”, “scarecrow”, etc.) but “Death by bear” is better stated as “Death by animal”.

• Be specific but not too specific (sleaze): Categories like “Sleaze by babydoll”, “Sleaze by bodystocking”, or “Sleaze by garter belt” are too specific – they should all be simply “Sleaze by lingerie”. Exceptions include items that break from a common theme (”Sleaze by thong” is OK, since it’s lingerie that is generally allowed to be seen in public), of specific intent (”Sleaze by miniskirt” is OK because there’s hope of upskirting), or of unique interest (”Sleaze by French maid costume” as it’s fetishistic).

Modifiers can tweak any death or sleaze to indicate specific conditions and are always placed in parenthesis, such as "Death by axe (accidental)". To ease categorization, only one modifier is allowed per usage - instead of "Death by axe (accidental, sleaze)", we use "Death by axe (accidental)" and "Death by axe (sleaze)". Only use the modifiers defined below, and only when necessary.

Death by modifiers

accidental 

The character's death was accidental (falling on an axe, slipping off a mountain, etc.).

insurance 

This didn't cause the death, but happened afterwards as a bit of insurance that the character would stay dead. Decapitating someone with an axe, then throwing their head in a fire, would be "Death by axe", "Death by decapitation" and "Death by fire (insurance)". Compare insurance (always after death) with preamble (always before death). Insurance should only be used when there is no doubt the character is already dead.

offscreen

The death occurred entirely offscreen. We may see a shot of the character screaming about his impending doom, but if the scene changes and we never see that character again, the implication is they died offscreen. No part of the act of death has been filmed.

preamble 

This injury didn't kill the character outright, but would have given patience. If someone has been stabbed with an knife twenty times, begins to feebly crawl away, then gets shot with a shotgun, it'd be "Death by knife (preamble)" and "Death by shotgun". Compare preamble (always before death) with insurance (always after death). Preamble should only be used when there is no doubt the character will die from their injuries, but still clutches to life. Chopping off someone's hand is probably not a preamble, as the character could create a tourniquet and have a decent chance of living. Chopping off someone's foot and then leaving them to bleed slowly to death tied to a pipe would be "Death by dismemberment" (no preamble, since there's no other followup).

self-inflicted

The character died by their own hand (such as hanging themselves, etc.).

sleaze 

The death occurred when the character was nude (half- or full-frontal) or otherwise demonstrating a sleazy situation (while wearing lingerie, having sex, etc.). When using this modifier, you should also use a matching sleaze by with the death modifier.

Sleaze by modifiers

accidental 

Sleaze occurred, but not because the character wanted it to; see also unwilling.

death 

The sleaze occurred shortly before the character died in the same scene. If someone hops into the shower and dies whilst showering, you'd use "Sleaze by shower (death)". When using this modifier, you should also use a matching death by with the sleaze modifier. Use your better judgment: if full-frontal nudity occurs for a long time before the character dies in the same scene, you should probably use "Sleaze by full-frontal nudity" AND "Sleaze by full-frontal nudity (death)" to indicate that the sleaze wasn't just to die.

public 

The sleaze happened in public, increasing its sleaziness. Flashing someone, having sex in the park, walking around with your thong out, wet t-shirts, see-throughs, etc. would generally mean using this modifier. Catfights, on the other hand, are generally only sleazy because they're between two women, not because they occur in public.

unfulfilled 

Nudity or sleaze was implied, but never actually occurred. If the intent of a shower scene is to see someone nude (as opposed to, say, getting clean), then not seeing nudity would mean "Sleaze by shower (unfulfilled)". On the other hand, "Sleaze by mini-skirt" is generally meant to tease with the possibility of a panty shot, but rarely "pays off". In situations like that, you would not use unfulfilled.

unwilling 

Sleaze was forced upon a character. Don't use this with "Sleaze by rape" (it's implied); see also accidental.

Example of display

Death and sleaze by listings appear in condensed form, as below:

Death by: 1: crossbow; 2, 3, 4: sword; 5: werewolf, bite, throat ripped out; 6: axe; 7: axe, decapitation; 8: werewolf, bite, throat ripped out; 9: sword, decapitation; 10, 11, 12: axe; 13: werewolf, bite, throat ripped out; 14, 15, 16, 17: sword; 18: werewolf, bite, throat ripped out; 19, 20, 21, 22: vampire; 23: vampire, decapitation; 24, 25: knife; 26: werewolf, jaw ripped off; 27: snapped neck; 28, 29: head trauma (sleaze); 30: vampire, bite; 31: vampire, thrown through window (insurance); 32: sword (preamble), explosion; 33: werewolf, claw; 34, 35: machine gun; 36: knife, throat slashing, machine gun (insurance); 37: werewolf, hand through chest; 38: machine gun; 39, 40: helicopter crash; 41: werewolf, decapitation; 42: spear, helicopter blades (insurance). Sleaze by: 1: latex; 2: sex (unfulfilled); 3: breasts; 4: thongs; 5, 6: lingerie (death), 7: breasts.