It's with great pleasure that I bring to you the following info: October 31st, 1999. The most cliched Halloween of them all. And that is exactly the date that Disobey releases its newest site: The Horror Section.

To entertain another cliche: "it's not like the others". Trust the following kudo from treasured ezine Viewer Discretion:

"...having been privileged to test run the beta of this sight I can say that it is going to be the horror site online that all other horror sites are judged by."

Tease yourself: http://www.disobey.com/horror/

It definitely hasn't been the first time. And it probably won't be the last. For most people, it's all about Image. And that incredible lust for a good one has caused a fuss in the television world.

Enter "Sabrina: Teenage Witch". A crappy ass show starring the worst animatronic cat I have ever seen (that talks and occasionally transforms into an equally hideous man) and the star of the old "Clarissa Explains It All" from Nickelodeon, Melissa Joan Hart.

Apparently "Sabrina" is a family show, which makes sense since an equally queer animation runs on the Disney channel. What the animation loses in viewers, it makes up for in looks - the animated women are rather adorable, even though it's important to have a trigger happy "Mute" button.

That's really not the point, though. Enter Bikini Magazine and Maxim. Very stripped for talent (whether it be because they're not looking in the right place, or they've simply been given "No!" too many times), they started hitting the family TV circuit.

And their eyes laid on the star of "Sabrina". May they rot and burn.

Fast forward to just a couple of weeks ago. Melissa Joan Hart is now the cover girl for both magazines, and Maxim claims "The Witch Without A Stitch" on the cover. Inside, we see photos of "MJH" half nude, or not clothed at all, with merely a terry cloth thrown over her privates.

Viacom, the creators of "Sabrina" (everyone now, together: May they rot and burn) are noticeably pissed. They have a little talk with our cute little MJH and suggest that since it's a family show "YOU DON'T GO SHOWING OFF YOUR BODY AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!".

Oh, did I forget to mention?

Maxim gave Ms. Hart an interview, one in which she condones binge drinking, sex romps, and dressing up like a gorilla and honking men's penii. She also mentions her birthday party where her and twelve other woman ran around some foreign country half nude drinking and having a great old time. (Note: The previous paragraph was written based on third party knowledge - I don't read the freakin' crap ass magazine that proclaims itself to be "the best thing for man besides woman").

Viacom thinks that it can order their star to refrain from being who she wants to be (or rather, who she thinks she can get more media play from) just because it doesn't fit into their viewing market. "It's a bad 'role model' for our viewers."

The point I think they fail to miss is their age group. Maxim Magazine is read by 16 year olds and up. "Sabrina", on the other hand, is a family show. No 16 year old is going to be caught dead watching "a family show". Nor is a 14 year old boy going to have money to buy the mag, much left reach the top shelf where it's located.

They also assume parents are going to teach their children something. How many parents do you know buy Maxim? How many of those parents pass the information they read in Maxim to their kids?

It all boils down to that fact that the people who watch "Sabrina" don't read Maxim and vice versa. Viacom has nothing to worry about, and brought more attention to their problem then if they had just left it be.

Much less the fact that Melissa Joan Hart is the MOST HIDEOUS WOMAN TRYING TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN. Shit, what the hell were those two magazines thinking? God freaking damn: writing this article caused me to choke down bile about two or three times. Damn.

(Tiny text: This was a paid advertisement from Maxim Magazine.)

or: My spell checker doesn't know "thou", "thy", or "shalt"... drat.

(Part Two of Ten)

For those just joining us here at Devil Shat, I'm attempting to answer the question of whether or not I'm going to Hell. Once again, the parameters we're using are only the Ten Commandments and whatever tacked on stipulations that have been recently added by modern religion. Normally I wouldn't give a fuck about those stipulations since they weren't in little parentheticals in the margin of the stone tablets but hey, why not appease the people I'm attacking and throw 'em a bone, eh?

My last column left me going to Hell with a score of one against. Now we move on to the second.

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain" (God, Exodus 20:7)

This commandment forbids the following low despicable acts: Taking God's name in vain (i.e. Goddamn, Jesus Christ, etc.) blaspheming, swearing, practicing witchcraft, telling lies and cheating.

Okay, I've definitely said Goddamn and Jesus 'n' shit. (look, I did it just now) so, yeah, God's got me by the scrotum on that one but let's be honest. Those aren't actually God's real name. God is a title and Jesus was his hippie son, and you know God didn't approve of him. Jesus, walking around in his prehistoric Birkenstocks preaching love of fellow man and compassion. God never did any of that shit. He blew up entire continents just to drive his point home and he never gave a shit who you loved besides him. Either way, his real name, according to the last lunatic preacher or a car hood I passed, is Jehovah. And I've never swore using that name. In other legends I've heard that his real name is something like seventy letters long and whom ever speaks it will control the ultimate power of God, but that's all tot of course. (Note to self, find out God's real name)

I suppose with a good enough lawyer I could get by with that twisted logic or that by shouting his name I'm really just asking for his help which is suppose to be all aces with him, but it all comes crashing down around my ass when I get to the part about swearing. I can't get around that. Hell, I'm swearing right now, constantly in the back of my head. Although I'm pretty sure the quality of cuss words were a tiny bit different B.C. than they are now. They were different only a couple decades ago. There was a time when you couldn't say "tush" on air but now with a handy dandy MA rating you can say "asshole" until you're blue in the balls.

But even that doesn't mean a thing because of the whole blasphemy shit. I blaspheme in my sleep. I'm doing it right now in this riveting ten part series. And I'll do it to the day I die. Whether I'll end up doing it in Hell still remains to be seen. But wait, maybe there's a loophole in that too. My dictionary defines "blasphemy" as "to speak impiously or irreverently of God."

...shit.

I guess He's got me there. That's one more for the bad guys.

SCORE: Hell - 2 / Salvation - 0

99-Oct-26
m00uy00@cwcom.net

What is all this god thing anyway we ALL know how the word evolved, we = sit avidly watching walking with dinasaurs (BBC 1 8.30pm Mondays). Man is master of his own destiny we all have an inbuilt sense of right = and wrong!.. don't we??

I say all this and yet still believe in ghosts, I say that prehensivley = because I didn't belive untill I saw for my self. A self fullfilling phrophecy "seeing is believing"

I have to say that your stuff at disobey.com is the most interesting stuff I have read on the net for some time. In fact lately i have been thinking the internet is fucking was te of time.

Goddammit ...i'm bound for hell too......oh well - i'll see ya in the cheap seats..gonna hold the back door open and let all my friends in as well

Thank god I haven't bought a copy ..... I'll stick with Penthouse.

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Devil Shat Fifty Seven was released on 10/14/99. Last updated: 10/14/99.