Strangely enough, I was treated to a stunning revelation after the last release of Devil Shat. Seems many people had been looking for the secrets to happiness and peace and were willing to read about them... and were also willing to find out more.

Which is interesting. These goals were mine, and were meant for me to understand and accomplish. Releasing them to the world, and explaining them in handy paragraph format explains a part of me, and who I am. True, some of the paragraphs in this article and the one before seem to make no sense at all, yet to me they are crystal clear.

It would stand to reason that people who like these goals will attempt these goals... in effect, mimicking my life and beliefs. Am I worried? Minimally. Most readers who take these goals to heart will modify them slightly, fitting their own lifestyle and habits. And that's just fine, as long as you remember who enlightened you.

And thus, ne'er intended, Devil Shat brings you the second self-help column we'll probably ever publish. Now go out and make the world a better place (sfx: fade in of "We Are The World").

10) "Donate newborn kittens to NutraSweet for further testing of their product."

Doing things to intentionally piss people off for no reason is FUN. Although this should definitely be used in moderation, throw meat at vegetarian restaurants on Halloween. Be sure to use lots of blood. Sneeze on those who are constantly concerned about their cleanliness. Put books in the wrong place at the library.

The reasoning? Well, in essence, you're helping them. Vegetarians like to clean their vegetables again and again, so... they'll love to make their building clean. People who are worried about how clean they are will love the opportunity to give themselves a nice scrub down. And hey, you're giving that poor, bored library lackey something to do besides try to get porn on the safeguarded computers. And you're helping NutraSweet make everyone's coffee just a little bit better in the morning.

IN OTHER WORDS: Some people will look at you and your actions and try to judge them based upon what they can see and understand. They shouldn't waste their time trying.

11) "Surprise an enemy with revenge."

I used to be a big fan of roleplaying games, and always played evil characters. Why? They have the best of both worlds. My favorite example is to walk into a town and befriend the natives. Stay with them for months, gaining their trust and baby sitting their children. Sure, you may be evil, but they can never guess your hidden agenda (see #10). After months of becoming a part of the town, you rob them blind. And it's incredibly easy.

The same can be said of real life. Someone pisses you off and makes you incredibly angry. You can strike out according to goals #3 and #7 (see last issue), or you can let it slide off your back like water. Or at least make it appear to. As you feed your dislike and desire, you befriend your enemy, and lure them into a false sense of comfort. When you finally strike out, the mind is the most damaged as they try to cope with what their "friend" has done to them.

IN OTHER WORDS: Sometimes, patience is more warranted then instant response and action. Whatever the case, let it feed you instead of breaking you apart.

12) "Desecrate as many crucifixes as possible."

Religion is a very testy subject. Tell any Christian that you're a Satanist, and suddenly they hate and scorn you... even though the past four months you've been welcomed into their home. As they back away from you, they reach for that magical amulet hanging around their chest: the cross or crucifix.

Putting care into such a simple object that cost them $20 at some flea market or carnival is pretty damn pathetic. Show them it is by demonstrating your complete disregard for the object in question. Hell, Christians get offended by pentagrams and scorn them in every instance. Yet, you don't see pentagrams crafted out of stone on every relevant building. Show them how offended you are by their display and loving of the cross.

IN OTHER WORDS: People place high value in pretty stupid things. When that value becomes a crutch for their own beliefs, fears, and hopes, something needs to be done about it.

13) "Indulge yourself always and without shame."

Pretty easy to understand. This should be your mantra: I am in it for me. Eat all the cake because it's good. If it wasn't meant to be eaten, it wouldn't have been placed in front of you. Don't get pressured into working late one night even if they "really need you". Say you have plans, even if you don't. If it wasn't on the schedule, than they did a bad job scheduling. Someone stepped out of a long line? Don't offer their place back.

IN OTHER WORDS: Things are to be done for you, and for you alone. There is no shame in looking out for other people's best interest, why should there be shame in looking out for your own?

14) "Take drugs whenever possible."

Replace "drugs" with whatever makes you happy. Flaunt it. Make sure people know you only drink generic soda, and you average a two liter bottle every two hours. Don't offer them any. Or better yet, give them flat soda that you have backwashed in. Or the kind that makes your shit turn blue and gives you bad abdominal pain. Either way, turn them off to your drug. Give them the worse it has to offer, let them run away, and happily enjoy what is yours. Then they won't ask for a sip or a hit or a bit.

IN OTHER WORDS: Turn people off to something you do all the time. The more people scorn what you enjoy, the greater the feeling of having it all to yourself. (A perfect example of this is the Skeleteen/Eat Me Foods soda from California. How many people would willingly drink a soda that had jalepeno's added and fizzed all over the place?)

15) "Eat nothing but meat."

Engage in pointless acts of repetitiveness. Wear black all one week and ignore people who come up and ask if you're "going goth". Eat only cereal all week long because you feel like it. Take a week off from working on that high trafficked website because you'd rather play arcade games to get in some stupid record book.

Do something until you get sick of it (literally stomach ache'd), get bored with it ("dammit, i beat it again on one quarter") or until people get used to you ("did you hear? billy went go... oh... you did?"). The fact of the matter is: keep yourself guessing, and more importantly, those around you.

IN OTHER WORDS: Enjoy something until the reaction is over with. Then, move on to something better. If you confuse people on the way, then they're not very smart.

16) "Eviscerate anyone wearing white shoes."

How many people know what "eviscerate" mean? Sounds deadly, doesn't it? Sounds harsh and damaging. It means to "disembowel". And hey, what better way to show someone you care? Go up and give them a gut cut. While they are slowly and painfully dying, tell them about how white shoes went out so long ago and that they really should stop buying at a department store and instead at a real shoe place like Payless. Or how they shouldn't be wearing their socks as high as they are because they look like a friggin' retard. Or how they really need to take a shower because their feet stink.

IN OTHER WORDS: Don't be afraid to rip someone apart if they deserve it. Most people do.

17) "Snarl at children behind their minders' backs - it toughens them for the horror ahead."

Teach your children and their friends about the trials of life as soon as possible. Print out Devil Shat every issue and read it to them as a bedtime story. Introduce them to rape at an early age (through words, you sicko). Let them know about the "cool" things that will happen when they get bumps on their nutsack. Give them one of those things that people put up to their throat to talk with because they've smoked too much. Make them use it for a week (see goal #15). Hang them upside down from the wall for a day to teach them the minimal effects of harmful drugs. Perhaps put a smoking candle beneath them to induce teary eyes.

IN OTHER WORDS: You can never be cynical enough... be sure to pass the torch onto your children. Most parents want their kids to grow up to be better than them... what a perfect way to begin.

18) "Humiliate objectionable types as often as possible."

So you're talking to one of the people you call your friend. It's a calm argument, nothing big. Suddenly, someone comes up, listens in, and offers his two cents, contradicting what you just said. You're pissed off. Who the hell is this guy? Beat him at his own game... tell him why he is wrong, why you are right, and make sure he understands how badly he is wrong. If you're arguing something incredibly pointless, like if aliens really do exist, just let him know how rude he has been.

IN OTHER WORDS: People shouldn't butt into your business, whatever it may be. Make sure they won't do it again.

19) "Everyone can be used."

No matter how hard you fail to notice it, everyone has something you can use. Perhaps contradicting everything else that has been said: don't piss people off unnecessarily. If you convince someone that you're a nice guy and it benefits them to be friends with you, then you've just earned an unspoken favor. Whether it be information, a ride home during suck ass weather, or something else entirely, everyone has something to give... and that means you have something to take.

IN OTHER WORDS: Don't alienate yourself from opportunity. Oftentimes, a friendly face will get you a lot further than your normal self.

20) "Never doubt you are under a curse."

Probably the most important goal in this whole series. Even if the world ISN'T against you, you must assume it is. You must rise up and fight harder for what you want. If things aren't going your way, you must admit to yourself that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It's the curse, the guy down the hall, or that gross ass danish you had this morning.

Note that this is not paranoia. Paranoia is irrational, whereas the curse is not. There's a chance it doesn't exist at all... however, you should always believe it does. It's a key factor in becoming happy and feeling better about yourself. Opposition makes you stronger, smarter, and with purpose.

IN OTHER WORDS: Believe that something is out to make your life hell and to prevent you from being happy. Work to defeat it.

Setting goals is very important for many people. Without goals, some feel without a mission, content to sit in a chair and look for stupid websites to busy their time. Whether you follow some, all or none of the goals listed above, you HAVE learned something.

WHAT you've learned is another matter entirely.

98-Nov-21
Aardy4u@aol.com

You've heard it said... "He's so unselfish! Always putting others first!"

Hmmm.

I've been accused of being unselfish on countless occasions. You might consider me to be an humble and generous man if you spend time with me. Allow me to let you in on a secret... or maybe just give you a different perspective with which to view "nice people".

When one is kind toward another, what is his motivation? Is he just good- natured? No... you must dig deeper than that... What lies at the root? Selfishness. Even though the outward facade is one of compassion, he is ultimately concerned for himself and what his kind deeds can do for him.

If he pays a compliment to a woman, his motivation may be to hear her positive response. Or he may be racking-up points with her for an eventual sexual encounter.

If he gives to a charity, he may be looking for a tax write-off. He may want to be able to tell others of his deed in order to gain their favor for any of a myriad of selfish reasons. He may be doing it from his religious beliefs... to gain favor with his god.

I think many people cannot see their self-centeredness. They believe they are good. This type of pride is fine to have, however false. Interestingly though, they are crushed if confronted with the reality of their true nature.

I'm not saying that kindness based in selfishness is a bad thing. Compassion and generosity can be quite "profitable", selfishly speaking. Good deeds can create a wonderful blanket of comfort and enjoyment that are showered upon the "saint" by those who feel they can never acheive his level of benevolence. Of course, they extend their kindness to him through selfish motives as well... by his acceptance of their plaudits, they gain a feeling of belonging; they somehow become like him with his acknowledgement. So, the selfish- compassionate (to coin a word) can live a pleasant life. He gives (albeit from personal motives), and he receives (in like manner).

Bottom line... "Me, me, me!"

grrrrrrrrrr................. you had me on your side until that first comment. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo against animal testing......... I don't even think it's funny. I am not a vegetarian so you may call me a hypocrite just like the rest................ but animal testing is not something to be taken lightly. Put the pressure on Procter and Gamble............ soon one day, maybe people will start to realize the importance of animals in this world.......... and it is NOT for testing.

Whoa, ok. Touched a button. That's good. At least you said something unlike other people who just subscribed. In my defense, though, I don't like animal testing either. I think it's cruel and inhumane. I've grown up with animals my whole life, and have two wonderful cats now. One is named Goro and sleeps with me each night. The other is a half bobcat kitten who was given to me when the mother cat tried to kill it.

In further explanation, practically all of the goals are either metaphors, grossly overstated (in that case), or deliberately interpretative. In your case, my grossly overstated statement pissed you off.

I personally exemplify #18. when that happens to me i pretty much go "hey, what the fuck you stupid bitch. i didn't ever remember calling your name monkey boy, now why dont you go beat off with the rest of the fags in the corner". this works wonders half the time. and as for #17, i can actually relate or write more on it. i have a daughter who is 1 month old at the time, and when she comes of age (9 or 10) i am going to sit her down and have the "talk" with her. not the one where the bird fucks a bee, but the one about how the world is fucked, you can get raped and killed, diluded, convaluted and everything else. in short, my child will be better equipped to deal with life and its assholes than all of you will, because i have had the time to experience all this for myself. here, time for a pop quiz. at age 8 RAPER -X- was:

A) hanging out with friends
B) immolating small animals
C) playing Nintendo

for all of you that answered A, go fuck yourselves, why do you even think i wanted to be friends with shits like yourselves at that age. I (unlike most of you) didn't have a dad and had to be brought up by myself. so go fuck yourselves raw. for those that answered B, what kind of sick fuck do you think i am? just because i don't or do fit into some little mental catergory you have placed me into doesn't mean shit. It just shows the rest of us how judgemental everyone else is. People like you are the reason we have the words heretic, nigger lover, nigger, faggot and so on and so forth. in essence, you have fucked up our world long enough with your bullshit, the time will come when the true "voice of the village" will shine forth and rid you of what you don't deserve. For those that answered C, close but no cigar. I saw how fucked the world was back then, and i didn't want friends. the other kids called me names and used to try to start fights with me. i had to kick so much ass back then to protect myself now it was pathetic. at age 8 i was out playing arcade games and smoking cig's. i never like you or your kind. i was simply preparing myself for later in life when i knew i would alone and by myself. HA, you talk about survival of the fittest, fuck you. all of you aren't fit. here is an experiment you can try. alienate yourself from the rest of the world for 6 years. talk to people when you have to. and dont get into long drawn out conversations. just get straight to the point about what you want. If you find someone that you feel is like you, then take the time to watch them. see if they are who they truly say they are. when you find them fuck up once, run it all over the place. make it as big as clinton fucking another broad. finally getting to the point and ending this ranting, i hope some of "you" will read this, thereby saving me from having to read the shit that i had to in issue 39. and if any of you don't like it, then see iss ue 39 you redundant piece of camel fuck and then come see me for some rolling papers and my underwear.

hey, that was what I was looking for, eat only meat. I mean, it gives pathetic poser losers no time to copy you (if consistent).

did you hear about the y2k freakshow? it is a bunch of christians selling shit like lasagna that can be stored for twenty years!!!!!! PARANOID MUTHERFUCKS

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Devil Shat is published by Disobey & is protected under all copyright laws.
Devil Shat Forty was released on 11/19/98. Last updated: 01/02/99.