Peace will never happen on this fine planet. And this fine planet being peaceful is an oxymoron.

You see, you can never understand anything unless you have the opposite to compare it too. We have war now and we send our little boys over into the death zone to kill the enemy. That was always something that confused me: waging war to keep the peace. We sit at home watching the TV, commenting about how horrible it is that something like this should happen. We wring our hands in grief, hoping that we won't get a phone call or a form letter, telling us that little Johnny passed away in the line of duty. We like being able to argue amongst ourselves about how terrible the war is, and our own personal ideas about how we can make it stop.

Of course, once Johnny gets home, we have a big celebration, and in the midst of hugs and kisses, Johnny feels that he has done something right for his country. He feels that his act of killing was actually warranted... how could he not? He comes home and no one chastises him for being a murderer. They only congratulate him on being a better murderer than the enemy.

So, Johnny settles down, firm in the knowledge that he has done something good. 15 years down the line, however, he starts complaining about abdominal pains, and his urine begins to glow a bright green. People yell "Gulf War Syndrome" and Johnny sues the government he once loved, claiming malpractice. ... Isn't war the greatest malpractice?

We all have to see what war is like so that we know what peace would be like. With no war, we would not say "Peace!", we would merely call it an interim. What do we have to obtain to call our world peaceful? Nothing... because we don't want to admit that the sorry state the world is in now is about the closest we are going to get to world peace.

Secondly, it seems to me that attempting world peace is an impossibility. We don't even have peace in our families yet. You hear about divorces all the time. You hear about men being put away because they beat their wife. Hell, watch an episode of COPS, and you'll see that most of the investigations are public disturbance calls involving feuding families. It's silly to attempt to rectify the world's situation when we can't even get a hold on the very basis of our society... our family.

And finally, I have to ask of you, do we really want peace? With peace comes loss of power, and with loss of power comes equality. Equality is a tough word to swallow for some people, and these megalomaniacs are those you yearn to fight, to conquer, to control others. Yes, most people will readily say "yes!" to peace. Yet, how many people will harbor these vices and join a militia to start it again?

And militias would rise because with peace comes the inaction of our Military. What would it do? What could it do besides create virtual warfields for those to conquer their aggression and hone their now-useless skills? I would hate to think of the amount of newly extinct animals as mankind wages their war under the name of "sport".

People are not going to be satisfied with peace because hate will still run rampant. The Aryans are still going to want to conquer the world, the KKK will keep on burning their crosses and people will still be racists. With peace comes a burial of hate. But as with anger, hate festers over time and is often a powerful enough wound to force action.

In all instances, peace as a world philosophy is impractical.

I like new technology and new ideas. I like to be connected to people, not white screens with words on them. I like saying people's names so much that it makes them uncomfortable. I like to be able to think that I am not a computer screen, and rather just someone looking into a big TV. That's part of the reason we do Devil Shat: to be able to communicate our ideas and opinions to a bunch of other people, and to get their responses back.

As you might know, I test out a lot of new software. I was one of the first people to get the AOL Instant Messenger Software (of which my name, DevilShat, was recently revealed). And, I am now the proud tester of ICQ for the 68k Macintosh. How I got the software, and why I did is not the question, answer, or solution. But rather:

THE QUESTION: Why did you stay away from ICQ?

THE ANSWER: ICQ is the Devil.

THE SOLUTION: Explain why ICQ is the Devil, and then wholeheartedly embrace the technology.

Okay... you see, a long time ago, I read the Bible. It wasn't something I was forced to do, it was something I wanted to do. I never understood why people criticize anything without getting enough information about it. One of the things that I remember is that when Satan came to kick some ass, everyone was going to receive a mark on their forehead or their right hand, and without that mark, we would not be able to buy or sell. And the mark would be the name of the beast, and the name of the beast is the number six hundred sixty six.

Yada, yada, yada. For the longest time, I sat back in my great philosopher's chair, stroked my invisible goatee, and sucked on my bubble pipe and said that we were already in the Armageddon, simply because the barcode is a perfect representation of the mark. From there, I moved onto the idea of the "e-card", an electronic id that would hold all your money and all your transactions... replacing wealth with "credits".

But those aren't the true marks, merely harbingers. I would hesitate to say (but do I must) that ICQ is the mark of the beast.

ICQ, one of the most prolific Internet paging services, has finally jumped the platform from PC to Mac, and as such, has now accomplished almost complete integration with the computer world. The major difference between ICQ and most other online services (except Compuserve) is that you are represented by numbers. You are not a face, nor a name, but rather something evilly called a UIN. Your UIN is who you are... your name and info are second-best.

For example, my UIN is 2927491. Isn't that peaceful? Were I playing Seven Card, I would have a pretty good starting hand. But in ICQ, I am just one of millions. It seems innocent at first, but when I went to their website to get more information, I realized that it is a lot more than innocence. Your number can optionally be added to hundreds of different groups of other numbers, all sharing something in common. You like trading lighters at Verve Pipe concerts? There is a group for you.

And they proclaim wonderful availability. Why, you can even put your ICQ number on a business card, and people can contact you whenever you're online! Yet another vice of the devil: the loss of freedom. Much like a cellular phone on a vacation, anyone can intrude on you at any time. And like we are so prone to do, we can't just let a phone ring, or a pager vibrate... we have to do something about it. Otherwise, why do we bother paying for the service?

So, "Morbus," you ask, "if ICQ is so damn evil, why should we embrace it?" Ahk, I dunno. A couple of disjointed reasons. ONE: hell, everybody's doin it. TWO: It transform the harshness of the internet into a more friendly, online service environment. One of the nice things I remember about AOL was the fact that when people I knew came online, I could have a nice chat with them. THREE: Nice implementation. In the PC version, there is support for a number of different games or "extras" that allow you to extend it into much more than just a pager program.

Of course, as with any advice, there is always an equal number of vices. Everybody's doin it. Yeah, that's good, but the first day I used it, the network shut down for fifteen minutes at a time. Perhaps a mirror of an AOL denial of service. And sure, it makes the mean ol' internet user friendly, but it also intrudes into your work, and perhaps your "veg" time. And, yes, it may be pretty, and have a whole bunch of neat little add-ons, but those are only a few of the tricks to lull us into a false sense of security. Already on discussion groups do I see threads consisting of "intercepting ICQ messages" and so forth. It won't be long before the media starts using credit card scare tactics.

Should we embrace the devil? We have before.

Explain this: A teenage girl purchases a GAP tee shirt. A little boy signs up for Little League. A middle-age man decides not to take a shower before heading out for his daily activities. Two cops pick a verbal fight with a hispanic immigrant.

You may be thinking these things defy explanation; there IS no motive other than the relatively obvious present here. Or you may be thinking, who gives a Barbie's ass? As long as I don't have to work with that old man, none of these things have any major significance in society.

Well, then, I beg to differ! And differ I shall: I purport that the reason all of the people in the above situations engaged in the activities in which they did was for sex.

When I was in fourth grade, I realized something about human nature that seemed painfully obvious and which needed to be addressed. But since my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Annis, wasn't altogether that receptive to the concept of a libido-driven world, my theories took a backseat to my other studies.

The reasoning goes like this. They say every animal species has three basic instincts: the drive to eat, the drive to find shelter, and the drive to reproduce. The first two are more easily achieved than the last, and so humans have constructed quite a society out of fulfilling that particular need. The drive to boff your neighbor peppers even the first two drives.

Example: a man and woman buy their first house. First reaction to this scenario is they're doing this action for shelter. Ah--but you must look BENEATH the surface at choices made going into the decision to buy this particular dwelling. Buying your first house is hardly a game of Pin The Tail On The Donkey--we don't make our decision blind, with no considerations for other factors other than "will this location shelter us from the elements and allow us to continue living?" We want a place in a good neighborhood because of that's where intelligent people go--affluent areas. And intelligent people know how to survive, and thus make excellent reproductive partners. Low crime areas are ideal, obviously, so they won't kill you or your mate, especially while they are gestating. Access to work is good--the less energy and time you spend commuting the more time you have for screwing. And, if you've visited the area and have met the people, the more gregarious they are the better--all the most willing to engage in sexual endeavors.

Alright, I admit this theory isn't altogether that much of a stretch from Freudian thought. But even he made the situation more complicated than what I think it is. He threw in qualifiers like how you got along with your parents and whether or not you are still fascinated by the act of taking a shit. I get down to the core on this one. We do almost EVERYTHING for sex.

Let's go back to the initial examples and I will direct your attention to the underlying motives...

"TEEN GIRL BUYS GAP" Presentation is an integral part of sexuality. We need to show potential recipients or providers of sperm that we are prime beef when it comes to reproducing. The bottom line is: bad dressers equal almost no sex. Therefore, the masses are attracted to name brands because they show everyone else they know how to fit in and survive in society. This appeals seriously to the opposite sex.

"PRE-PUBESCENT BOY JOINS LITTLE LEAGUE" This is a common headline for many American families--getting their boy into a sport is normal. But why is it normal? Because boys, by nature, are the aggressive ones, and sports cultivate that testosterone flow. Our ancestors fought in herds in order get food and conquer competing male threats. Now, though murder is not always an accepted form of defeating the opposing football team, we channel that drive to win and conquer into a thing call sports. The winners get the girls because they have proven themselves to be defenders of the staked-out terrain and excellent providers of million dollar contracts.

"MIDDLE AGE MAN OFFENDS MANY" Too many people underestimate the power of odor. A lot of times we are active in order to emit the all-powerful pheremone, the chemical the opposite sex picks up on, very readily found in sweat. It activates, to some degree, the libido. It is encouraged for our country to be active individuals, and the more we get involved the more we sweat, and activity equals health, and health is great for reproductive partners. Although we are trained socially to despise people who don't maintain proper hygiene, underneath that repulsion is a subliminated desire to have sex with this person.

"COPS INDICTED IN POLICE BRUTALITY, AGAIN" This goes back to sports, where the goal is to show dominance. Cops are already a bit above the law so the profession attracts men with a need to be above other men. These men were only asserting their masculinity. And though the direct recipient of the violence, some hispanic immigrant, will probably not mess with them again, the display of machismo was intended for a larger audience, specifically women in the area.

So next time you go to the supermarket, watch a football game, answer the phone, or go to bed at night, just remember this: your libido is the one calling the shots. Just ask the flock of women who found out I wrote an article and are now chasing after my intellect and new position in society...

97-Oct-25
dishop@205.156.197.5

Do I know you??? Man, if I don't, I sure want to.. You have the mind I would like to meld with. You have it right down pat about the libido and how everything gets down to sex. No matter how much it is candy-coated, or made-up, it is all animal instinct to reproduce at all costs. I remember you name for some reason, but don't remember why. I will check my outbox and see what I sent you. Keep on keepin' on.

Just a short note on world peace, of course we will never have it until we have peace with God. So you are sort of beating a dead horse. One thing though i don't see the kkk or the aryan nation as the greatest threats to peace, they will always be there and they are already identified as enemies of right. The real enemies are those who insist on putting us under the govt thumb and placing our lives under constant social engineering and failed philosophy.

Over one third of all conceptions end in abortion. How about the war to be waged in the name of global warming against the "third world". The black, red, yellow and brown world better watch out for this new cultural nazism. All done in the name of environmentalism, but the fruit is the same as with the nazi party of hitlers day... dead minority races.

tell me, does ryan feel better now that he got his confessions aired? good. as for his obvious other problem, tell him the mens room is down the hall. have a nice day.

i read through devil shat. it's pretty good. i disagree with a few itty-bitty things in the "peace" article. but that's just the nationalist in me.

the ICQ one is pretty funny. i have read some strange stuff on the "mark of the beast" lately. barcodes, implants, even debit cards.. moneyless banking.. blah blah blah.. if the "good book" is true.. we are doomed.

ryan's piece on "libido" was comical. could it be that the cops beat the shit out of the mexican worker because he was BREAKING THE LAW? could it be that the dirty old man was a retard or a foreigner? all in all, it was amusing.

Please don't leave out all the little girls that go over and fight for our country as well. All the little Jane's. They have been there for a long time and will be there for a long time to come. Thank you.

This is on the Fuck You piece. I do not agree with much of what you said. Yes, the fashion industry is geared toward sex (c'mon, that was an easy one!) and yes, sports for little boys is geared toward making them look... well, whatever it is parents want their little boys to look like. So, what is sports for little girls? Not everyone's life revolves around sex.. either consciously or subconsciously. Also, you did not identify whether or not the cops were men! You just assumed we would all think they were men. You also made the presumption that only male cops will beat up people just to look this way or that way to other people. Have you ever been pulled over by a lady cop? The last thing on their mind is sex but they will beat the living crap out of you if you look at them wrong... and yes, it is for an image... but not a sexual image. This sounds almost like an undersexed, college student's first attempt at theory on life. I say, spend a few more years observing people and not locking yourself in the bathroom to play; then try this bit again. Yes, I say, it sucks!

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Devil Shat Eleven was released on 10/09/97. Last updated: 06/21/98.